Dear Prudence Uncensored: I Confronted My Bully at Our High School Reunion. Now She’s Begging for Forgiveness. (2024)

Each week in Dear Prudence Uncensored, Prudie discusses a tricky letter with fellow Slate writer (and her husband!) Joel Anderson, only for Slate Plus members. This week, they dig into “Ex Bully Is No Saint.”

Dear Prudence,

My high school reunion was last weekend, and I ran into a former long-time bully (she bullied me for 12 years straight). Apparently “Jane” is now the nicest person in the world, but I don’t care. When she approached me and hilariously acted like we’d been good friends who just lost touch, I publicly reminded her that she conducted “polling” that all showed my classmates wanted me to kill myself. She also paid boys to grab my breasts in the cafeteria and laugh. No adult did anything, of course. I also reminded Jane that she was awful to me for over a decade, especially during a period when she was closer to being an adult than a child. I was very intentionally NOT mean, and my tone was matter-of-fact. I never yelled, but I didn’t lower my voice when we were in a group of people.

Jane did WAY more bullying than that.I cannot even begin to describe how much pain and anguish I endured AND I really was considering suicide for most of that 12-year period, which I told her. Therapy has addressed some of that pain, but it hasn’t completely gone away.
Jane got upset and cried, and she tried to apologize, but I didn’t care.Nothing will undo what she did, and an apology is so disproportionate to the damage she inflicted. I told her this. After the reunion, Jane emailed me another apology, and it came off as really desperate. It seems as though I remind her that she’s not really the saint she is today. Do I owe her anything at this point? I’m not sorry about what I said. She deserves to live with some of the pain she caused that I’ve been carrying.

—The Ex Bully Is Still No Saint

Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.

Jenée Desmond-Harris: This made me think of when you had the opportunity to confront the closest thing you’ve had to a bully—a really awful, dumb boss who tried to derail your career and the careers of many others. I think first there was an email exchange, and then he called Slate to complain about you (and Slate did not care), and then when he retired, you wrote a whole thing including his name on Facebook. Did you ever feel fully satisfied? Would you if he’d actually apologized, like Jane did?

Joel Anderson: You ask an interesting question: Did I feel fully satisfied? This is the first time I’ve ever really thought about that. And the answer is: Not really.

In some ways, it was gratifying to tell my side of the story and be able to name names. Some of my former co-workers even reached out to thank me for speaking up. But ultimately, my old manager still wrecked two years of my professional life and totally disrupted the careers of others. That can never be atoned for, certainly not in this economic climate for journalists. But whether he makes amends or not (likely not), it’s still my choice on how to move forward. I can accept that he’s no longer responsible for how that happens.

Jenée: I know the feeling of being really mad at someone and they apologize and you’re kinda like “Wait, I wasn’t done being mad.” But there’s nothing left to be done! I think that’s the situation the letter writer is in. Like she’s not going to bring a civil case against Jane … she can’t tell her too many more times that she’s a bad person … Her work is done here.

I don’t think she needs to forgive but she should maybe try to forget a little. At least about this particular situation. A wholesome idea I had—and you can tell me if you think it’s realistic—is to redirect some of the anti-Jane energy to some kind of anti-bullying efforts, or somehow helping kids who may be having a hard time or being mistreated.

Joel: I think that’s a lovely sentiment worth trying whether it helps the LW to forget. Referring again to my experience under that old manager, I felt a good way to pay it forward was to be a source of understanding and empathy for people who went through the same thing. Inevitably, maybe once a year, someone would call and ask me how to manage that problem. I’d give them some advice—document everything!—but mostly it was good to know we weren’t alone and we hadn’t done anything to deserve that kind of treatment, you know?

We weren’t delusional, and we weren’t bad employees. What happened to us actually happened, and I could pass along that epiphany to someone else. It helped me, at least a little.

Jenée: And maybe there’s something to the old saying that happiness is the best revenge. You ended up with a rewarding career and got some satisfaction out of him witnessing that. And now that our LW is Facebook friends with Jane, maybe she’d get something out of knowing that Jane gets social media reminders that her former victim is thriving? The side effect of creating those posts would be focusing on actually thriving, of course. Which I hope would ultimately help LW.

Joel: Ha, I do occasionally get a kick out of him coming to understand that he screwed up. Or at least, that other people think that he screwed up.

And to your point, even though those couple years sucked, it was actually a blessing: I changed jobs and changed jobs again, and things took off for me professionally and personally in ways I couldn’t have anticipated. Sometimes I think: Should I actually send him a thank you letter? Lol. (No, I’m not going to do that).

And I think that’s the lesson for the LW: She might not yet realize the ways in which her old tormentor strengthened her—I can’t imagine the younger version of herself would have dared confront someone who had wronged her in that way. She’s now tough enough to stand up to her old bully. The LW can use that power and try to give it to others going through the same thing. Do you think she should respond, though?

Jenée: No, I mean, she’s already told Jane she’s a terrible person. And I don’t think she could resist responding without digging into her again. If she could muster a “Thank you for saying that” without adding a lot more, sure, but a second confrontation isn’t going to help. And not responding clearly communicates that things aren’t smoothed over between the two of them.

Joel: Right. She can take some solace in the fact Jane sounds desperate and knows someone can see through her cosplay as a nice person. (Maybe that’s harsh: It could be that Jane is both the nicest person in the world but was totally—and shockingly—oblivious to the harm she’s caused.) All debts are paid in full. The LW has spent more than enough time concerning herself with Jane and her feelings, and now she can move on.

Jenée: But, LW, if you do happen to be perusing Facebook and see that Jane got a terrible haircut or her dog ran away or something, you have my permission to be happy. We’re only human, after all.

Joel: Resist the urge to comment “smart dog.”